12:47 p.m. - 2002-08-26
I got to thinking this morning that lots of my friends of the college-attending variety had to go back to school today. at this point, and don't think I'm loser, I do envy them. just because new school year is a fresh start, and I just feel stagnant here.
I'm just starting to hate how I feel so useless at changing things.
and watch out, because I'm hot and frustrated and there's all these things that I think about while I'm driving the chicago suburbs on autopilot. . .
i wish my body could come up with a more elegant way of expressing stress than its current method, which is the massive shedding of my hair.
and how I feel like I'm going crazy to live in an apartment with no comfort and no place for people to hang out. the kitchen floor is so dirty and I don't want to clean it, the living room is all boxes and ugly lamps and cords everywhere.
and when I think about the huge scary mysteries of life I become incarcerated in them. oceans mountains birth death sadness love. even more than churches, they are where God resides; and I am so scared to find out the truth.
and then my imagination gets carried away and I don't want to be me anymore I just want to be a guardian angel. i want big soft platinum wings and I want to speak in songs and I want to grant wishes. and because I know how it feels to be sad my heart breaks for every sad person I see and I just want to fix everything.
it all sounds so silly, I know. but at night my dreams are storybooks and fairytales and I wake up and nothing is the same, i live in two separate worlds.
i have nothing to think about all day so my imagination has been getting crazy and powerful and pretty soon I'm going to be one of those people you see on the streets, mumbling and shuffling around.
man, I need a job, bad.
shower. clean. and start over.