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11:23 p.m. - 2006-09-12
friendship, early rainy fall
tuesday, september 12.

I write a lot of diary entries I never post. and I think it's because I really want to be earnest but sometimes the earnesty is just too cringe-y, you know? so, here's something I wrote in a sticky note and I'm going to post it even though it makes me uncomfortable kind of.

to wit:

fall is so appealing because it feels like the time of reinvention. the time of year where you can really shake off your old habits and become someone new. I'm four years out of the educational system and I'll be the first to admit I still feel this way. like, "maybe this year is the year I'll become serious about my art" down to the smaller things like, "yes, this fall I'll start going to yoga every week." or getting regular manicures. or just being better at chores around the house.

and of course, in my brandty spirit, everything gets lofty. somewhere in my heart I want this year to be the year of friendship, again.

i feel like there are so many factors in my life working against my social life right now. the two people (besides the husband and dog, of course) that I'd consider my best nearby friends both live a good forty five minutes away, and one of them is in her last year of grad school and applying to PHD programs, the other just gave birth to her second child about two weeks ago. so it's not like there's a lot of room for freestyle hanging out there.

I feel like, for the most part, I get enough social time in. but somehow it just doesn't feel like enough quality (versus quantity). friendship seems to be such a low priority for everyone else but me. even for me, too, I guess; I wish it were easier.

and can I be honest about how lame I feel about all this? seriously!! so lame. like, why is it so hard? I mean, maybe even harder on me. a while ago I met a friend of a friend, someone I never knew in college, but we knew OF each other. About an hour into our meeting and conversing, he said, "oh. .. you're the FRIENDship girl." so now, being so non-friended, just feels like a blow.

ANYway. i guess right now, I'm lonely but not lonesome. there's a big difference.

other than that things are good. enjoying the early fall rainy weather (cowboy boots and scarves again!). working a lot. got sad yesterday and thought about Rome, as I'm sure I will do on that date for the rest of my life.

but this weekend I baked loaves of wheat bread and worked on embroidery and bought a corduroy vest at H&M. so, my life gets bonus points for wonderful weekends.

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